My Tattoo

I know this seems like a strange thing to blog about, but I feel that now is a good time to share this story.

In January of 2009 I had a miscarriage and it was very dramatic for me.  Not that something like this isn't dramatic for anyone else who suffers a loss, but it was something that really hit me hard.  The doctors and nurses couldn't confirm that I was miscarrying for 3 weeks, and even after that, I still ended up needing a DNC.  It hurt me emotionally and I became angry.  I was angry at God for allowing me to get pregnant, only to take it away from me so quickly.  I was angry at my body because I felt like it had failed me.  I was angry with anyone else around me because I felt like life just moved on while I stood motionless and numb of anything.

I began to distance myself from everything.  My relationship with God grew farther distant, as well as my connections to friends and family.  I became angry and frustrated with pregnancy announcements because I couldn't figure out why I was punished to endure this painful storm while everyone else was so blessed.  At that time, I really hurt a lot of friends and family, and now I realize that they only stood by my side because they loved and cared for me so much.  The only comfort I found was in going to Wendy's to eat.  I quickly gained 50 lbs from grieving through my loss.

I can now tell you that I know what it means to know that "God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me."  I know that we still live in a fallen world, where even in the midst of a difficult struggle in our lives, God can and should still be glorified.  I only know this because I had such wonderful family and friends who reminded me of these truths daily, even when I wasn't able to hear it.  I can't say that there was a "ah-ha" moment that occurred to make me realize this.  I can't even tell you when exactly that light bulb went off for me.  I can tell you that without God blessing me with such wonderful people in my life, I wouldn't have gotten through what I did.  I do regret the reactions I had at that time towards others and I am truly sorry for that.  I think everyone grieves differently, and I know the reason it was so hard for me is because we so desperately want a family.  However, I can now say that I am able to be happy and share in the joy of the wonderful things going on in my friends' lives and also understand that it is okay for me to still long to be on that same journey with them too.  I think there will always be a piece of me that longs for a family, and that is the way God made me, so I can find peace in it.

Once I started healing, I began to focus on the things in my life that I could control, growing in closer relationship with God, friends and family through prayer, Bible devotionals and fellowship.  I joined weight watchers and began working out with my sister-in-law (who is such an amazing woman of God and without her love and support through every trial I have ever faced since we met, I don't know where I would be... I love you dearly and you are so special to me!!)  I began to put my focus back on Christ instead of hating myself and rejecting others around me. 

One particular verse that I clung to during that time was 1 Corinthians 6:19-20.  It says, "Do you not know your body is a temple, given to you by the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own, you were bought at a price." 

God created me and my body to operate the way He sees fit.  My body does not fail me when I can wake up each and every day and glorify God by serving others.  I lost 40 lbs once I was able to focus on this verse and respect the gift of an able body that God had entrusted to me.  Furthermore, God already paid the price with the precious blood of Jesus on the cross for me.  I am certainly not my own, and I was bought at a very high price.  I don't have to feel alone or that God has failed me, because He has given me more than I could ever want or deserve.  Most importantly, GOD NEVER FAILS US!  My life does not have to be defined by whether or not God chooses to bless us with a child.  Once I began to see all the amazing blessings around me, it was even more obvious how much God does love me.  I truly feel that He has Justin and me in the palm of His hand and will take care of us no matter what road He takes us on, family or not. 

Which brings us to the reasons behind my tattoo.  I wanted to remember how far I had come on my journey.  I wanted to remember who I belong to.  Through branching out in my relationship with God, as well as my friends and family, something beautiful grew.  That is why I chose to have the verse that helped me through this difficult time in my life as well as a branch with flowers growing on it.  It is a beautiful reminder of how precious I am to my Lord and Savior.  I don't know where you are at on your journey, but I do know that God has bought you at a very high price and He values you and you are worth it to Him.  Don't ever believe the lies of this world.  Your body is a temple given to you by the Holy Spirit who dwells in you and you have received this only by the high price that Christ paid.   

I don't know what God has planned for Justin and I.  But I do find peace in knowing that God is holding me closely to His heart.  I still think of that baby and long for a chance to be a mother.  I still get teary-eyed sometimes through the struggles to have a family and wish it was easier than what it is.  But I do know that the one thing I can still do is glorify God.  I have learned a lot from this storm in my life, and I don't know if I would have pushed into deeper relationship with God if I didn't hit rock bottom first so He could move me where He wanted me to be.  So I count it as a blessing, and I trust that God knows what is best for me, even if I can't see it all the time.

Insignificant but Important

While on vacation, we watched the movie Remember Me.  I won't spoil any details for you regarding the movie itself, but one particular line that struct me in the movie was a quote from Ghandi. 

"What you do in life is insignificant, but it's important that you do it."

It made me think a lot about the meaning behind the quote.  Justin and I even had a conversation around this topic.  Justin felt that line was untrue.  I pointed out that from the standpoint of the world looking in, what you do may be insignificant to society, but it is important that you do it from an individual or close knit circle of community.  It reminds me much of our walk in faith.  What we do may be insignificant in the sense that we may not ever see the seeds we plant in others come to fruitfulness, but it is important that we do it.  I look at our world and see that it is so natural that God is not represented in our government, schools, work, even extracurricular activities.  If we don't reach out to plant those seeds in our communities, how will others ever know Christ? 

I know that God is bigger than you and me, and that He will always provide a way for others to know Him in some way, shape or form.  But when He is calling us to reach out and be that example or that voice of reason to others, do we act on it?  I have to admit, I don't always... Maybe it's because I fear that I will get in the way of what God is trying to do in that person's life (through my own humanness, I tend to talk too much when I get nervous in situations, and I fear I will overwhelm someone)... maybe it's because I think I will make a fool of myself and look crazy... maybe I am just being ridiculous?  I often find myself feeling so inadequate in being a light for others, which is selfish.  I just so desperately want the words to come out right and not hinder what God is wanting to do that I cripple myself.  It's a lie that Satan feeds us to make us ineffective Christians.  I don't want to be that person anymore, maybe that's why I am reading and trying to discover my spiritual gift.  While I am searching to find out what that is, I hope I can still be a light for His Kingdom.

"Go and make disciples, loving people into a life-changing relationship with Jesus Christ, and provide for all, a life-time of Christian growth."

We're Back from Washington Island!!

Justin and I just got back from a wonderful vacation in Door County (Washington Island).  We had a great week, and I will definitely post more about our trip, but for now I am exhausted and we are about to have dinner!  Talk to you all soon!!

My Power in Prayer

This morning, I read my Daily Devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries I get every morning.  Today's particular message was about self-control.  It was mainly about how we need to take control of our reactions to others when they start picking at our last nerve.  They spoke of looking into Scripture for answers, and changing the verbage to make it personal.  One verse they used was 1 Peter 5: 6-8 as "In this moment, I am choosing to be self-controlled and alert.  Your actions are begging me to yell at you and lose control.  But I realize I have an enemy, and that enemy is not you.  The devil is prowling and roaring and looking to devour me through my own lack of self control right now.  But I am God's girl.  That's right.  I am.  So I am going to humbly and quietly let God have his way in me right now.  And when I do this, God will lift me from my frayed nerves up from this situation and fill me with a much better reaction than what I can give you right now.  So, give me just a few minutes and then we can calmly talk about this." 

I work in a bank.  Most would say this is a great gig, but right now, with the instability and constant changes that government is placing on the financial industry, my days can be quite stressful.  I would say 9 out of 10 clients I come in contact with are angry with fees they are charged, and the bank is leaving little to no room for grace on these issues.  Unfortunately, because I am "the face" of the bank in my job, I am the one who is dealt the brunt of the irrate reactions others give me.  I am left most of the time, almost to tears, wondering how people can talk to another human being the way I have been spoken to in the past.  However, if I place this idea into practice, I can find a peace which surpasses all understanding, in Christ.  Another calming reaction I can have is to pray for that particular individual.  Whether or not that person knows Christ, my prayers for whatever is going on in that individual's life gives me a new perspective than what I am seeing sitting on the other side of the desk.  I am able to move past the hurtful things people say, and be someone of compassion and understanding.  

Doing this also helps me to be free.  Free from worries and anxieties that I face every day.  In a given day, I worry so much about so many silly things that many of them never even come to pass.  If I truly put those things in God's hands and back up those truths with Scripture in my life, than what is there to worry about?  God has his hands on everything for me already.  If we as Christians truly know this and believe it, than why do we worry so much?  Philippeans 4: 6 says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Maybe we all need to put this verse into personal perspection.  I will not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, and with thanksgiving, I will present my requests to God.

Many Parts, One Body

I am starting to read a new book titled Using Your Spiritual Gifts:  Equipped to Serve.  Engaged in Serving by Eddie Rasnake.  One particular passage that really spoke to me today as I was reading through the reccommended Scripture was 1 Peter 4:10 - 11, which says, " Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms.  If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God.  If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory and the power for ever and ever.  Amen."  Wow... how awesome is it that God has dedicated a special spiritual gift for each and every one of us to use to glorify Him. 

I have to admit, the whole reason I started reading this study was because I still have yet to discover what my spiritual gift really is.  It is such a comfort and so touching that the Creator of our universe has picked one out especially for me, my very own spiritual gift.  While I have not discovered what that is yet, I know that at the right time, and hopefully by growing closer to the Holy Spirit through this study, God will reveal the gift He has called me to use to serve. 

That part is the small piece to the important part God has planned for me within the community.  Once I discover that gift, Ephesians 2:10 indicates the task at hand.  It states that we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God has prepared in advance for us to do.  This means that though I have discovered my spiritual gift, I am required to use that to serve others, to bring them into deeper relationship with our Heavenly Father.  What a task that is?!  That is why the church is so important.  While we are a church body, everyone has a different spiritual gift to offer, which benefits the community of believers.  The church as a whole cannot function without each part of the body working together for the betterment of the Lord.  Paul also wrote that while he knew it was greater to be in Heaven with the Father, he also knew that his work here on earth was extremely important to growing the community of believers (Philippeans 1:21-25). 

What do you do to grow the community of Christ?  While you may or may not know exactly what your spiritual gift is yet, you can be involved in the church, serving and loving others into a relationship with Jesus Christ, which is the one of the most important parts of our time here on earth.  I must admit that there are times that I can look back and say, "Wow... I really failed at that opportunity God placed in front of me..."  I am working to get there.  Shouldn't we all be working towards serving and loving others?  It's should be so easy... it could be a simple smile or ackowledgement of another person we come in contact with.  Whether it's big or small, every action we have impacts the Kingdom.  Let's make sure we have more moments where we can show others Christ's love and be an example of what it really means to live out the Christian life.  

What are you doing for the body?