My Tattoo

I know this seems like a strange thing to blog about, but I feel that now is a good time to share this story.

In January of 2009 I had a miscarriage and it was very dramatic for me.  Not that something like this isn't dramatic for anyone else who suffers a loss, but it was something that really hit me hard.  The doctors and nurses couldn't confirm that I was miscarrying for 3 weeks, and even after that, I still ended up needing a DNC.  It hurt me emotionally and I became angry.  I was angry at God for allowing me to get pregnant, only to take it away from me so quickly.  I was angry at my body because I felt like it had failed me.  I was angry with anyone else around me because I felt like life just moved on while I stood motionless and numb of anything.

I began to distance myself from everything.  My relationship with God grew farther distant, as well as my connections to friends and family.  I became angry and frustrated with pregnancy announcements because I couldn't figure out why I was punished to endure this painful storm while everyone else was so blessed.  At that time, I really hurt a lot of friends and family, and now I realize that they only stood by my side because they loved and cared for me so much.  The only comfort I found was in going to Wendy's to eat.  I quickly gained 50 lbs from grieving through my loss.

I can now tell you that I know what it means to know that "God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me."  I know that we still live in a fallen world, where even in the midst of a difficult struggle in our lives, God can and should still be glorified.  I only know this because I had such wonderful family and friends who reminded me of these truths daily, even when I wasn't able to hear it.  I can't say that there was a "ah-ha" moment that occurred to make me realize this.  I can't even tell you when exactly that light bulb went off for me.  I can tell you that without God blessing me with such wonderful people in my life, I wouldn't have gotten through what I did.  I do regret the reactions I had at that time towards others and I am truly sorry for that.  I think everyone grieves differently, and I know the reason it was so hard for me is because we so desperately want a family.  However, I can now say that I am able to be happy and share in the joy of the wonderful things going on in my friends' lives and also understand that it is okay for me to still long to be on that same journey with them too.  I think there will always be a piece of me that longs for a family, and that is the way God made me, so I can find peace in it.

Once I started healing, I began to focus on the things in my life that I could control, growing in closer relationship with God, friends and family through prayer, Bible devotionals and fellowship.  I joined weight watchers and began working out with my sister-in-law (who is such an amazing woman of God and without her love and support through every trial I have ever faced since we met, I don't know where I would be... I love you dearly and you are so special to me!!)  I began to put my focus back on Christ instead of hating myself and rejecting others around me. 

One particular verse that I clung to during that time was 1 Corinthians 6:19-20.  It says, "Do you not know your body is a temple, given to you by the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own, you were bought at a price." 

God created me and my body to operate the way He sees fit.  My body does not fail me when I can wake up each and every day and glorify God by serving others.  I lost 40 lbs once I was able to focus on this verse and respect the gift of an able body that God had entrusted to me.  Furthermore, God already paid the price with the precious blood of Jesus on the cross for me.  I am certainly not my own, and I was bought at a very high price.  I don't have to feel alone or that God has failed me, because He has given me more than I could ever want or deserve.  Most importantly, GOD NEVER FAILS US!  My life does not have to be defined by whether or not God chooses to bless us with a child.  Once I began to see all the amazing blessings around me, it was even more obvious how much God does love me.  I truly feel that He has Justin and me in the palm of His hand and will take care of us no matter what road He takes us on, family or not. 

Which brings us to the reasons behind my tattoo.  I wanted to remember how far I had come on my journey.  I wanted to remember who I belong to.  Through branching out in my relationship with God, as well as my friends and family, something beautiful grew.  That is why I chose to have the verse that helped me through this difficult time in my life as well as a branch with flowers growing on it.  It is a beautiful reminder of how precious I am to my Lord and Savior.  I don't know where you are at on your journey, but I do know that God has bought you at a very high price and He values you and you are worth it to Him.  Don't ever believe the lies of this world.  Your body is a temple given to you by the Holy Spirit who dwells in you and you have received this only by the high price that Christ paid.   

I don't know what God has planned for Justin and I.  But I do find peace in knowing that God is holding me closely to His heart.  I still think of that baby and long for a chance to be a mother.  I still get teary-eyed sometimes through the struggles to have a family and wish it was easier than what it is.  But I do know that the one thing I can still do is glorify God.  I have learned a lot from this storm in my life, and I don't know if I would have pushed into deeper relationship with God if I didn't hit rock bottom first so He could move me where He wanted me to be.  So I count it as a blessing, and I trust that God knows what is best for me, even if I can't see it all the time.